Today I photographed Gumby sitting contemplatively at the window, slightly out of focus and at the edge of the frame, also displaying (in focus) the leaves of the plant just outside of the window. He probably enjoys spending evenings in this quiet spot, if his loveable smile is any indicator. In some ways, he is in his true home sitting near the similarly-colored leaves, though he is made of an entirely different material (theoretically clay, but more likely rubber or plastic in this incarnation).
Gumby’s legs are very interesting. Unlike his unusually-shaped head, the story of which everyone and his or her pet monkey has heard by now, his legs are not often discussed in intellectual circles. Nevertheless, such a discussion is certainly worth pursuing. They appear to be in the shape of bellbottom pants, but these did not come into public favor until much later. Could it be that Gumby was indirectly behind this trend? Consider the following theory: as the children of the 1950s Gumby generation grew up, they forgot about this innocent character that had once captured their hearts. However, the image of his stylish legs was ingrained in their minds, and bellbottom pants were born. The pieces fit, am I wrong? With financial backing, I could develop this theory significantly and give Gumby creator Art Clokey his long-overdue credit for pioneering this magnificent style.
Ostensibly an ordinary Parisian scene, this photograph is far from normal. This is due to the presence of a certain character, whose name may or may not start with a ‘G’ and end with an ‘umby.’ Like Waldo, he has wandered into a wacky photographic situation that inevitably begs the question, “just where is he?” In fact, Gumby is so well-hidden that he is not visible to the naked eye. However, with the assistance of special high-powered binoculars, Gumby can be seen in this image, in the bottom-right corner.
Seeing Gumby in the wild is a rare thing indeed. Having a camera handy when such a thing occurs is even more so. Having said that, this very thing happened to me today. While walking through a lovely park in Montmartre, I spotted him resting in a bush. Almost completely hidden by his surroundings, I saw him only because of the glare in his bright-red eyes. In my excitement, I had forgotten that a Gumby disturbed in the wild can be deadly. His small stature is hardly a comfort, as the ankle is as good a place as any to receive a poisonous bite. Fortunately, I escaped with my life, though just barely. Even more fortunate was the stunning photograph I managed to get of Gumby.
This piece, dating from the early 14th century, has become a topic of conversation among the artistic elite. Though completely forgotten until the 1950s, after which the character was used (without the mustache) for an animated children’s television show, its quick rise to prominence in the art scene makes up for its long-time obscurity. Putting aside for a moment its brilliant allegorical aspects, the painting itself is simply stunning, both in content and artistic craftsmanship. Notice the look in the eyes – is it murderous rage, or drunken indifference? With a piece this subtle one can never tell, though it has been intensely debated. Having recently been added to the Louvre museum in Paris, France, “le Gumby” will now be widely viewable to the public for the first time. Hopefully, with time, it will come to be as respected as the likes of Picasso’s “Felix the Cat.”
One of the four objects in this picture does not belong with the other three. Look closely at the picture and pay attention to each item by itself. Can you tell which object is out of place?
GUMBY – OUT WITH THE TRASH?
Are recent advances in computer animation going to be the end of this once-revered figure? Research shows that children no longer care about the adventures of the naked green man and his half-pig, half-horse partner. Gumby, pictured above posed humorously in a garbage can to signify his waning popularity, was a pioneer of animation and of children’s entertainment. But these days, children are much more eager to view the latest Pixar film than to go back to animation’s roots. “Sure, Gumby may have been great once, but what’s he done for me lately?” said one 6-month-old who asked to remain anonymous.
ILLUSION OF REALITY KILLED WHEN GUMBY TURNS AROUNDSkeptics of the Gumby phenomenon are quick to point out evidence that he is not real. When seen from the back, Gumby appears to be tattooed with writing indicating that he was made in China. In addition, his body is punctured with pairs of holes in numerous places. As a result, this lovable character, when seen from behind, becomes a grotesque monster. Pointing to the cases of child trauma resulting from this problem, critics argue for a complete ban on the existence of Gumby. Still, Gumby’s loyal defenders note that the holes are merely stylish body-piercings, and that tattooes advertising one’s country of origin are very hip at the moment. “Surely there’s nothing wrong with teaching children the value of pursuing fashionable body-art,” said one man. The debate will undoubtedly continue to rage on for some time.
Is heartburn getting you down? Professional basketball player and actor Gumby chooses TUMS for all of his indigestion problems. When he’s out on the court, he doesn’t have time to slow down. That’s why new TUMS E-X works all day. So remember, if you’ve got heartburn, reach for TUMS – and see Gumby in his latest movie, opening August 14th.
Though by day Gumby adventures physically into books in his animated television show, when he isn’t working he likes to indulge in more advanced literature. Today he is delving into “The Gurdjieff Work,” an introduction to the spiritual leader named in the title. He doesn’t look it, but Gumby is over sixty years-old. His days of drug abuse and prison time are over, and he is looking to enhance his spiritual awareness. He has filled the void left by his former lifestyle with books, books, and more books. When he isn’t reading, he also enjoys playing badminton.
Just how much more popular can Yoga get? Logic would indicate that it can’t get any more popular, given the limited number of people in the world, but exercise trends have a tendency to defy logic. Books and instructional videotapes on the subject are selling at record highs. Everyone is getting in on the scene, from infants to the elderly. Men, women, and even pets are all enjoying this method of relaxing. Pictured above, five-time world ping-pong champion Gumby shows off his proficient ability in Yoga.
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MAN?
Gumby, pictured here with a floating cartoon frog’s head, has been missing since Sunday. He was last seen at a bar in Austin, Texas, where he is reported to have been loudly insulting the local regulars. Gumby, a once-respected figure in the entertainment industry, has been in and out of rehabilitation centers since his arrest for indecent exposure and subsequent fall from public favor. Just prior to his disappearance, friends expressed concern over his binge-drinking. Police are combing the desert, hoping to find him alive. If you have seen Gumby, contact your local officials with his whereabouts immediately.
Though the Eiffel Tower is a well-known part of the Paris skyline, most people do not know the history behind this amazing piece of architecture. Built by Gumby (pictured above) in 1912, it was originally intended to be a very tall warehouse for storing surplus fruit. However, this plan was abandoned when it was determined that the fruit would go bad. Still, it was built, though in a normal, rectangular fashion. Immediately, the people of Paris announced their disapproval, commenting that it was not pointy enough. The general consensus was that if an enormously tall building was going to be built, it had to be either extremely pointy or extremely shiny. Gumby heard these calls for change and remodeled the building himself into the pointy structure that we see today. At this point, the building had earned so much worldwide publicity from the controversy that Gumby decided to turn it into a tourist attraction. Gumby died only six months after its completion, but he departed from the living world satisfied with his accomplishment.
What is this a picture of? Two boxes? A dog? We’ve taken a conventional household object – one you use EVERY day – and photographed it in an UNconventional way! Anyone with enough patience, however, can crack the code of this mystery and figure out what it is!
(Answer: Gumby, seen from below)
Have cartoons gone too far? Concerned parents are expressing their discontent with the penchant for nudity in the new hit children’s television program “Gumby.” Pictured above in one such scene (in the shower), Gumby declined our request for comment. However, the producer of the show issued the following statement yesterday: “We feel that the human form is completely natural and that there is no reason not to display it prominently on any television show, be it for child or adult.” So far Nickelodeon, the network airing the show, has shown no sign of disagreement on the matter.
It’s official: Gumby is planning to climb Mount Everest. In the spirit of his incorrigible love for danger, he has chosen to make the climb blindfolded, while four men hurl nails and shards of glass at him for the entirety of the ascent. He will also be carrying three-hundred pounds of solid gold in each hand. Such a feat has never been successfully completed, but that fact does nothing to hinder Gumby. Above, we see him practicing for the climb on a city street lamp. With the date set for August 25th, Gumby is now in his most extreme mode of training – he climbs for days at a time, stopping only every week or so for five minutes to use the restroom. Though it’s difficult to imagine this extraordinary task being completed, it’s impossible to conceive of Gumby failing.
With the ever-increasing number of people moving to the city, Gumby is proud of his country roots. While his friends sell out to the urban setting, Gumby plans to work the land all his life, like his parents before him, and their parents before them. Every morning, Gumby wakes up at four o’clock and starts the day right with a delicious meal from IHOP, along with a hot cup of Folgers Coffee – The Best Part of Waking Up. And Gumby would like to remind you that he only drives Honda brand tractors on his farm.
There was a hunger in his eyes – hunger for destruction; hunger for blood; hunger for a sandwich. They contained a fire, not at all unlike the fire under the stove cooking a delicious bowl of pasta. They glowed, round, and red as tomatoes, ready to be sliced and added to a vegetable salad. There was a sadness, but also a satisfaction, as though he had just eaten a hearty breakfast. His eyes were open wide, unblinking – he kind of stare that could only be directed at a freshly-roasted chicken. One glance offered a chance at salvation; an escape from the meaningless tedium of everyday life. A road to the other side, paved with Bisquick.
Gumby has a definite resilience not found in most people. He remains happy in even the grimmest of situations, his smile never implying anything but the greatest love for life and mankind. To see him beaming with happiness in the shadow of such a mournful statue, as pictured above, might lead some to conclude that he has a heart of stone. This judgment would be unfair and untrue, as any friend of Gumby’s will tell you. Gumby has the unique gift of seeing the world as a unified whole; thus, he takes the good and bad in stride, never letting his smile die down. He will stare at the sky for days without eating. Finally, someone will offer him food. He’ll turn around and laugh a knowing laugh, then eat the food, proclaiming that it’s the best he’s ever tasted.
When my son was three-and-a-half years-old, he sat up from the generally hunched position he held over his cereal bowl during breakfast and asked me, "Dad, who is that green man in the picture?" Though my son is grown up and married now, I never forgot the question. After all, who
was that green man in the picture? My oldest friend? My bitterest enemy? Or was he just a guy named Bill, doing his best to make ends meet? I didn’t have an answer then, and I still don’t. But I’ve come to realize that those days spent in the abandoned coal mine were some of the best times I ever had.
What do Gumby and this Paris obelisk have in common? To the average, non-reading fool, nothing. But the small circle of literary elite who have read the highly intellectual and entirely factually accurate novel “The Da Vinci Code” know that both were designed by the late, great genius Leonardo da Vinci. While on his death-bed, da Vinci created two final masterpieces – this obelisk, and the design for the Gumby character. He secretly passed these two creations to his good friend Louis XIV (yes,
the Louis XIV). Lou then placed the obelisk in Paris, and created a hit children’s television show with the character of Gumby. “But wait a second,” you’re probably saying. “Had television even been invented back then?” Well, you’ll just have to read the book to find the answer to that question.
Seen from the side, Gumby appears to be very thin - perhaps frighteningly so. Though he seems inexplicably to carry most of his weight in his lower-legs, the fact remains that in this age of eating disorders he is not a suitable role-model for children. Ponder this question for a moment: have you ever seen Gumby eat on his television show? Think carefully. Yes, he bakes. Yes, he asks his mother for milk and cookies. But does he ever actually consume these products on-screen? He does not. In fact, I would be surprised in Gumby even
has a stomach, given his reputed status as a “ball of clay.” For these reasons I support the removal of the show from the air, and would not object strongly to Gumby's immediate execution.
Gumby, most well-known in the United States for his series of pieces involving black-and-white striped cylinders, has won the Nobel Prize for Awesomeness. Though he is a prominent figure in the French art scene, he is being recognized not for his achievements in visual design, but for his general, all-around awesomeness as a person. As an example, he has been known to donate large quantities of food to the homeless, while standing on one foot. “Yeah, come to think of it, he is pretty awesome,” commented long-time friend Doug “Pokey” Simpson upon hearing the news. After accepting the award, Gumby promptly moon-walked across the entire state of New Jersey.
Gumby's shadowed form hovers in front of the golden window. All is silent, except for the wind rustling in the trees outside. The horses, locked into their stables, have ceased their noiseless telepathic banter and fallen soundly asleep. Suddenly, someone calls Gumby's name from inside.
“Gumby!” comes the call.
“Yes?” Gumby calls back.
“Where the hell did I leave my car keys?”
Gumby, the world-renowned art collector, has opened his home in Paris to the public at long last. This is important primarily because of the peculiar story of Gumby's life: he is half-vampire, half-unicorn, and also immortal. During the course of his 4716 years in existence, he has amassed a respectable collection of art, which he keeps in this Paris mansion. The opening of his home reflects a new phase in his rather lengthy life – one that embraces public favor. This is, of course, only the first step in his recently-announced campaign running for governor of California in 2004. In the picture above he is posed outside of his Paris home. Notice that he is covered in green body-paint – this is a necessary precaution for all vampires when in direct sunlight.
