Old website updates

06/11?/04
Look, I just have one question. Are my eyes decieving me, or did someone open the monkey cages and let out all the monkeys? Do I need glasses here, because the gift of sight suddenly left me, or did someone just open the monkey cages? Am I experiencing the visual side-effects of some sort of hallucinogenic drug that I’ve just ingested, or did someone just open the monkey cages and let out all the monkeys? Am I watching a movie about monkeys being let out of cages that’s so realistic that it’s led me to believe that the monkeys have really been let out of their cages? Listen, I just have one question, alright? Am I still lying in my bed dreaming, about to wake up with relief and indulge in an english muffin with jam, or did someone open those god damn monkey cages?

05/04/04
Well, I did it. I got married to a mountain goat. She’s a very special mountain goat, obviously. We’re in love, and nothing can get in the way of that. People tell me I’m crazy. “You’re so young, to be getting married!” they tell me.

05/06/04
Last night, my tin of Altoids came to life. Of all the inanimate objects to come to life, am I right? It was sort of cool though. We chatted for a bit. He told me all about how mints are made, and started going into other mint-related topics. I asked him if he thought new episodes of the Simpsons were any good, but he didn’t really know what I was talking about. He started talking about new flavors of Altoids that are about to be released. I sort of zoned out after a little while.

05/24/04
While on a bashing spree the other day with my best pal Billy (the name that I’ve affectionately given to my baseball bat), I realized that my love for bashing things and people could be applied in a less destructive way to the sport of baseball. I applied for the local Little League team, but they told me I was too old. I bashed them good, the bastards.

04/07/04
Oh shit, did anyone else see that unicorn just run down the street? That’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Someone call Animal Control. Err, hold on. Wait a second, never mind, don’t call. It was just a white Chevy Suburban. Still, I’m pretty impressed. I mean, it’s not every day that you see such a powerful automobile at an affordable price.

04/08/04
I’m in this class called “Breakfast Politics.” It’s very interesting, and it’s a topic that a lot of people don’t think enough about. For example, Eggo’s assassination had widespread ramifications. After that happened, the whole breakfast table slid into turmoil. Pop Tart warlords were running the show and the economy was based entirely on illegal sugar trading. The situation was only made worse by the shortage of milk. IHOP’s attempts to restore stability to the breakfast table proved futile, and orange juice was everywhere, in a manner of speaking. Sharp conflict between the English Muffin and Oatmeal factions hindered all chances of progress. But ask your average guy about these issues, which affect everyone’s ability to start the day right, and he’ll shrug his shoulders. Frankly, I’m sickened by the general public’s indifference.

04/19/04
I got into a duel today down at the local saloon. Well, it wasn’t so much a saloon as it was an elementary school. Even so, that toddler won’t soon forget the first rule of a game of teatherball with Kevin - Kevin always wins.

04/30/04
People around these parts call me “Playing Cards Mcgee,” because I always have a deck of cards with me. I don’t like to play card games, though. People often ask me, “Why do you carry the cards around then, Playing Cards Mcgee?” I don’t really have an answer to that question, so I usually respond by taking out a few cards and throwing them at the person.

04/03/04
It started raining money today. You’d think that would be cool, except it was all coins, not bills. A lot of people died. It’s times like these that make me really thankful for my unique fashion sense, which dictates that I wear a helmet at all times.

03/28/04
Okay. So I was at Subway today, getting a sandwich. And the guy behind the counter asked me, “what do you want?” Well, I had to tell him the whole story - how my spaceship crash-landed on this crazy planet, and after wandering around for months, all I wanted was to get back home. When I was drafted into the army, my hopes of finding the mysterious “chemical X” to repair my ship decreased considerably, since I had very little free time. Not to mention the inherent difficulty involved in the mechanics of this sort of repair - I was a lawyer on my home planet, not an engineer. And to answer your question, yes, they do have lawyers in outer space. Anyway, I found some “chemical X” on the battlefield (though I narrowly escaped an untimely demise from the barrel of an enemy gun). After reading extensively on the topic of spaceship repair, I managed to successfully get mine back into working condition and departed from planet Earth. Upon returning to my home planet, however, I discovered that my greatest fear had come true - my former lover had died in my absence, undoubtedly of a broken heart. I was so distraught by this news that I could not bear to remain on my home planet. In a sea of my own tears, I entered my ship and flew back to Earth. Since then, I’ve made a reasonable living in the fashion design industry. Well, it turns out that the Subway guy was actually referring to what kind of sandwich I wanted. To make a long story short, I got the turkey.

02/29/04
I was walking along the street the other day, minding my own business. And I saw this woman walking along with seven dwarves. And I said to myself, “Could it be? My childhood dream coming true?” But then, I looked closer and realized it was just a schoolteacher and the children in her class out for a field trip. I was sort of disappointed. So that’s when I started throwing rocks and empty bottles at them.

02/29/04
So I was riding in an elevator earlier, and I had a sudden vision of my own death. But then I realized it was just some guy in the elevator actually trying to murder me.